As I laced up my strolling shoes for another evening walk, one of my closest friends who’ll be called David dropped a dating bombshell that sent shockwaves through the city. “I really like her, and I have a great time with her but like… am I sure she’s the right one? Nope,” he declared, causing my internal relationship explorer radar to go off like fireworks on New Year’s Eve. “And how do you even know if a person is the right one for you?”
Oh boy. If I got a penny for every instance I heard that question or its quirky variations, I’d be swimming in so much dough that Jeffrey, Jeffrey Bezos would be begging for financial tips. Not that I haven’t had heated discussions with myself on that topic — at one point things got so tense I went silent on me for weeks. And while there might not be one short answer to rule them all, the kicker I’ve come down to is — rightness implies perfection, and perfection does not exist.
We are all confused about love. Now more than ever, in this era of seemingly boundless dating apps and the ever-expanding realm of social media. In a world where choices are as abundant as (and basically come down to) notifications on our screens, we’re left grappling with the paradox of too many choices and too little clarity. Stuck trying to decipher the intricate language of love which has become particularly complex and for which we lack the vocabulary. And there’s no school of love to teach us how to connect. Even if there was, the majority would find that idea too ‘unromantic’.
One of the most damaging tropes we’ve been sold is the idea that “the right love should be easy”. That upon meeting the right person, who will be a descended being from another dimension, everything will be right in the World and beyond. That this connection will be so strong you won’t even have to talk because They will have this alien capability of reading your mind, so They will instantly know that you’re angry because the toothpaste was squeezed in the middle instead of rolling it up, and apologize deeply for their wrongful ways. To that I say — f*#k you Disney, and thanks but no. In reality, not only does this utopian view of love set an unrealistic standard that makes us question the ‘rightness’ of our connections the moment this cosmic telepathy fails to kick in, but it also fails to acknowledge the beautifully flawed nature of humans and the ‘work’ that true connection requires.
None of us are easy to live with. In fact, we all run close to a circus — full of wild acts, unexpected twists, and the occasional clownish behavior. If someone claims they’re a breeze, well, consider it a 🚩 and make a swift exit unless you’re fine with having someone by your side that has the self-awareness of a toaster. On that note, the worst relationships I’ve witnessed are the ones that appear conflict-free; the surface calm disguises a lack of depth and many issues swept under the carpet. Conflict, when navigated properly, becomes the crucible for growth and understanding. Conflict-resolution is a skill that needs continuous development, and as one of the key predictors of relationship satisfaction, is only one of the ways in which true connection requires work and not divine interventions.
The true work, however, starts with the self. In my experience, the person I’ve loved has been like a mirror reflecting all the emotional baggage I’ve been dragging around like a suitcase with a broken wheel. It’s not been a flawless reflection of perfection but more like a carnival mirror — distorted and a bit wonky. Ugly, at times. It’s brought out the best in me, and simultaneously opened the worst can of worms I wasn’t even aware I had — like Pandora’s box, but with more surprises and (to my disappointment) fewer mythical creatures. I’ve done stuff I’m not quite proud of, but I’ve also learned where my flaws lie and all the very many creative ways in which I run away when vulnerability is in sight. And I fragilely try to do better.
Rightness includes a lot of wrongness. I’ve always held the opinion that there is no perfect person for you, but that someone out there has faults and traumas that are imperfectly compatible with yours. In the vast world of relationships, perfection is like trying to catch a sneezing unicorn — elusive and potentially messy. But it is those that sit with us in the chaos of imperfection that make all the wrongs right. Because let’s face it, in love, it’s not about catching the flawless unicorn; it’s about finding your quirky, dancing donkey that makes you laugh when you least expect it.
We fall in love with people’s madness. The sprouts of connection grow through all the parts in which we’re broken. We tell each other about our pasts and personal stories in hopes that we will find someone who will listen to understand the path we’ve walked so far. And maybe come upon some compassion and understanding when we do shit that is, on the surface, selfish and damaging, but is instead a cry for connection in all the right wrong ways. It’s in these shared narratives that love finds its footing, nurturing empathy amidst the beautifully messy dance of human connection.
David, I hope this clarifies. And well, since Ms. Bradshaw has been a frequent mention here, I’ll share a quote like I’ve said it myself.
“Maybe the right one isn’t about finding the perfect match, but about finding someone whose crazy matches your kind of crazy. And darling, that’s where the real magic happens.”
Thank you for reading.
