Welcome, welcome girls, boys and all of you who identify as whichever gender, to the most exciting Amusement Park in the world — the Relationship one! Our doors are always open to anyone who is even remotely into some version of the concept of “dating”, regardless of sexual preferences. The admission ticket you get at birth for free — but you pay for each ride individually. The price depends on your choices, the (in)expensive tastes of your partner, and of course — the hourly fee of your therapist. Sounds quite exciting, no?
The rules are quite simple — there is none if you follow ye olde “all is fair in love and war”. Do whatever the fuck floats your boat but do bear in mind that there are rides other than The Lazy River. Height restrictions are not imposed, though tough luck if your chosen ride has particular deal-breaking standards.
Side effects from the rides may include, but are not limited to: dizziness, nausea, light-headedness, tachycardia and palpitations, going through the five stages of grief, weight gain, weight loss, uncontrollable crying, uncontrollable laughter, switching teams, celibacy, impaired sight — especially manifested as an inability to see red flags, a burning sensation when you pee, unwanted pregnancies etc. Having said that, I warmly recommend that you do continue — but do so at your own risk.
And without further ado and boring terms & conditions, I guess you are impatient. Let’s get into the rides.
The Rollercoaster
I will start with the centrepiece of each amusement park, and what is usually the selling point which attracts people to come to visit in the first place — The Rollercoaster. There are many types of rollercoasters, and lucky for you — we have them all! Most include tight turns, steep slopes, and sometimes inversions to work up your nervous system to the max, continually testing your limits and how much you can take. Yet you are drawn to them because of the enjoyment of the visceral sensation of fear itself — you like the pounding heart and faster breathing, probably because it makes you feel more alive.
You get strapped in, and you can already feel the excitement building up as your neck hairs rise with anxiousness and you become alert about what lies ahead of you — and you have no idea. It usually starts slowly as it begins to climb up, and all you can do is just watch yourself get further away from the ground. Then, it fires up, and the exhilarating motions you experience at first are mostly ups and downs (do bear in mind — cheating is not a “down”). There are positive instances of honeymoon-like moments full of connection, fulfilment, and intimacy followed by a sudden plunge in a rain of arguments and disconnection, often in rapid succession. You feel your gut drop every time you think you have a grip on it when you actually don’t. When you least expect it, you find yourself and your whole world turned around in an inversion. Later on, the drops also come from a higher point, gravity rips the cars down, and the wind (or your family and friends) is slapping you in the face as if it’s trying to nudge you out from what consumed you. And while the ups and downs can be addictive to our human brains, these types of rides tend to be unstable, as you never know just what you’re going to get.
One of the scariest rollercoasters is The Plunge — where there is a steady rise to the top and then a free-fall-like sudden drop of a few hundred meters. We also call it The Silent One since people don’t usually scream — the fall is unexpected, and the shock is great. People are known to experience a simultaneous stream of side effects after that one so if you ever get on it, do brace yourself.
Depending on which rollercoaster you take, you will experience the ride differently, and it will have a different effect on how you proceed when it eventually comes to a stop. If it was an acceptable one, you might find yourself wanting to try out another one despite the dizziness and shaky legs. However, if you hop off of it nauseous and emotionally drained, you might end up wanting to crawl into a dark, motionless hole, feeling terrified.
The Haunted House
Usually comes after a big bad Rollercoaster, during which you found yourself thrown around in the air, being left with the bile taste of vomit in your mouth. After recuperating for a bit, you crave some excitement but prefer your feet to be firmly on the ground. That’s when you pay a visit to The Haunted House. You’re very well aware of what you’re getting yourself into. Still, you convince yourself there is no threat of injury — the walk through the House lasts only a limited amount of time, and you rationally know it’s all just acts and props. Since you’re getting into all of the terror scenes willingly, you have a sense of control over it, which differs from your previous Rollercoaster experience.
Once you step inside and the tour begins, you do realise you’re scared shitless that you might trip and fall, but it’s too late to go back, so you march on forward hoping it’s not going to be too bad. The downside is that you usually bring all your past Rollercoaster trauma with you, and that has a nasty tendency to jump at you like a skeleton from a closet. Things start shooting at you left right and centre, and your knees become wobbly, so you wonder how you used to walk on the Dating Scene before. The chances of ghosts and ghosting are relatively high — after all, it’s a Haunted House. There can be comical elements to it, though, depending on the actors chosen. Some of the effects included to create the scenes of terror can be scary music and sounds in the form of notifications, phone ringing — or not, and the scariest one — someone talking about *feelings*, rustic antiques from previous rides, and unplanned costumed actors with elaborate makeup or masks.
You’re grateful when it ends, but you’re left with mixed feelings and are not sure if it was the best idea to visit it in the first place. But hey — at least hopefully there was screaming involved—the right kind.
The Lazy River
After the previous experiences of The Rollercoaster and The Haunted House, you want to get some rest and recovery, so you resort to the safe options, like The Lazy River (similar ride: The Ferris Wheel). The Lazy River is a calm body of water that gently flows around the Amusement Park and lets you enjoy the time on it smoothly while observing everyone else’s shitstorm. It’s a friendly and pleasant current on a warm and sunny day, sitting on a floating device — be it a rubber ring, a tube, a raft — and placing one or more of these items strategically under your arms or neck or backside, creating buoyancy, and thus rendering what is already almost effortless easier still. And, of course, sipping cocktails.
But much like my metaphors today, it’s only 1m deep, and you prefer keeping it like that — if you fall off, the chances are you won’t drown. The Lazy River is a circle, with an artificial current, so even though it will feel at times like you’re getting somewhere, you will then return to wherever it was you started. The catch is this — few get comfortable with the slow pace and familiarity and decide never to leave (hence the note at the beginning). But mostly — the charm of it wears off, and you realise you cannot love it into the ride you want it to be. So after a few rotations, no matter how uncomfortable, you jump in the artificial current of cold water and go looking for the next ride.
The Waltzer or Tilt-a-Whirl
Depending on the length of time that you decided to stay on The Lazy River, you want your next ride to entail a certain degree of excitement. By then you realise that slow rides are nice, but the adrenaline rush is what gives the special kick, and no one comes to an Amusement Park for a thirl-less ride. That’s how you come to The Waltzer. You get on the rotating platform, eager to be seated in one of the cars attached to it at various fixed points. It looks fresh, amusing and electrifying — it seems like a peculiar ride, and you’re eager for it to begin.
Once it does, the platform lifts off the ground a bit, and you like it — you’re still quite close to the ground, but the elevation leaves space for manoeuvring to get to the zany, wacky fun you know and love. As it gently starts spinning, the arousal rises, you feel the adrenaline kicking in, and you realise why you missed it. Parts of it rise, and others fall — the tilting is fun, and your car starts spinning as well. By the time it reaches maximum potential, everything is twirling, spinning and tilting — the lights blend into trails, and the music fades in the background. You close your eyes and try to let go, first with one hand. But there’s something off — you can’t give in because there are more people in a single car than what you find acceptable. The forces of gravity make you bump into others, and your arms start entangling, which doesn’t feel that comfortable. Didn’t it take two to waltz? The ride itself provides pleasurable and unexpected sensations, but it’s quite chaotic. Everything is swinging, snapping, and rotating in an unpredictable pattern in directions you didn’t know that existed, simultaneously. The platform, the cars, the others. You didn’t use to mind crowds, but you’re feeling somewhat tired, and you’ve realised you need your boundaries cared for and respected.
The Tunnel
After some time spent in the Amusement Park, while pulling cotton candy off a stick, you get to the part which is a bit further from the gate. You are rather tired, and it is getting darker and a bit chilly, but it also seems quite lovely because of all the different decorative lights which are being lit up, so you decide you’re going to stick around a bit longer. You come across The Tunnel, which has a waiting line in front, but you’re willing to give it a go because there is a strong allure to it and you cannot put your finger on the reason why.
When you finally get to the boarding point, you embark on a small boat, and the ride begins. You find that The Tunnel is called so because the whole ride is dark and you can only see a few meters ahead, making you focus on what surrounds you at the moment. It features different scenes of lighting, sounds and props, and even though some are scarier than others, it feels safe. The water flows with different intensity — it is, at times, a gentle current, at times a fast river, and sometimes there are even unexpected climactic splashdowns. Still, the sturdiness of the boat softens them, and the worst thing that happens is that you get wet. At parts, it slows down or even stops, and you propel it forward with paddles because you want to see where it goes. It offers anticipation, excitement, comfort and fun all in one, which makes you understand why they also call it The Tunnel of Love.
There are other rides which are similar or different to these in varying degrees. The order of those mentioned is also random and by no means signifies that it has to be that way — adrenaline junkies jump from Rollercoaster to Rollercoaster while others never muster up the courage to hop on and ride a single one but simply marvel at it from its bottom. As with all things in life — it all comes down to personal preferences, experiences and the ability to take responsibility for your own choices. The resilience also comes in handy — whether or not you can get up, dust yourself off and move on after a Bad Rollercoaster will determine how you choose to proceed around The Amusement Park.
Oh, and this reminds me of the one most important thing I forgot to mention — experiences are subjective, and each ride is what you make of it. Chances are — you won’t even be aware what it is you’re boarding until the ride has already begun. But the space you create to be fully and open-heartedly taken onto a ride makes the difference between a Lazy River and a Rollercoaster. The previous experiences you bring as baggage will determine whether your boat will float, or sink. The ability to rinse your mouth and spit out the sour aftertaste of what you have been through will result in the cotton candy being sweet or bitter. After all, the only thing all of these rides have in common? It’s you.
Thanks for reading!
P.S. Special thanks go to my *fren* John, because — as it usually is, the idea about this article comes after one of our long conversations about love and relationships. Feeling sorry for all the interested parties though — he’s not single anymore, but I have yet to determine what kind of a ride he’s got himself on.
