Relationships | Attachment Styles
Understanding Attachment Styles: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
The anxious, avoidant & secure — not necessarily in that order.
Where were we again?
Oh, right. The other three attachment styles.
As I went into full detail about attachment style as the scheme we use for giving and receiving love and its implications on different areas of life in Please Come Close, Don’t Come Close, & also covered the disorganized attachment style there (FYI my therapist disagrees with my self-diagnosis but oh well), I’m gonna skip the usual, painfully long introduction this time. And, for a change, I’ll try jumping straight into the cold water pool called “the point” — something I’ve been told I struggle with, and stab at keeping it simple & short (also on my list of “areas to improve”).
Each of the remaining attachment styles will be described through a person, which will not necessarily be a sublimate of people I know & love who behave in one way or another, typically anxious or avoidant. The genders are chosen randomly and the styles are not indicative. If there’s an issue with it or any misperception, please read the disclaimer at the top. You’ve never read it, have you?
The Anxious Sean
We all know a Sean — a very nice, fun, and easy-going guy that goes out of his way for those he loves. Yet, somehow, he seems to choose the wrong person most of the time — someone that he either feels doesn’t appreciate him, or someone who insists on keeping some emotional distance. But that doesn’t stop Sean. He seems to be endlessly optimistic (admirable, honestly) and easily falls head-over-heels in love with people that mesmerize him, only to feel that spark sizzle out a few months in, making him feel confused and terrified of losing what he has. So, he tightens the grip or makes some other self-defeating move, making the situation even worse, and marches on until the end when all that remains are bits and pieces of the relationship he wanted to have. Painful to look at from the side TBH.
Sean, and all the other anxiously attached adults, have an underlying fear of abandonment and rejection. And much like everyone else’s, Sean’s relationships follow a pattern, with his underlying fears fueling his struggle with feeling unworthy — especially, unworthy of love. And even though the anxious actions are most prominent in his love relationships, they also pop up in his close friendships.
Sean often strives to please people, especially those he dates, but he also subconsciously expects it in return from others and relies on close relationships to be his primary source of emotional wellbeing. This is because he doesn’t know how to set boundaries, and deeply believes that having some will lead to people leaving him. Consequently, he doesn’t respect the boundaries of others either. Sean doesn’t see the need for personal time & space — in fact, they terrify him, as to him they’re proof of his “not-enoughness”, triggering his fear of abandonment.
And he is not afraid to get into a conflict — to him, it is a tool to get the attention he craves but feels he is not getting, and a way to feel like he’s in control. Sean, however, is also the first one to reach out after a fight since waiting makes him feel rejected and thus, increasingly anxious — “They are not going to call me so I have to fix this.”. Most of the time, unfortunately, Seans are totally unaware of the mechanisms behind their behaviours, perceiving themselves as victims of the situations they most likely brought upon themselves. Much like all of us, come to think of it.
Anxious Lingo Dictionary:
“I need some time alone.” -> he hears “I f*cked up & they’re going to leave me.”
“Sorry I didn’t answer.” -> he hears “Something else is more important than me.”
“I have plans with X.” -> he hears “They prefer someone else, I’m not wanted.”
“This is my boundary.” -> he hears “They’re keeping me out.”
“I’m quite busy today.” -> he hears “They are mad at me, how do I fix this?”
The Avoidant Grace
It is kinda funny that we name the anxious and the avoidant as such, when the avoidance actually stems from anxiety — specifically, from avoiding it. There would be no need for retreat otherwise. Grace is the seemingly free spirit that avoids commitment (because, in reality, she unawaredly takes it very seriously), doesn’t really like talking about feelings in one form or another and takes pride in being independent. In social media terminology, Grace is what we would call “emotionally unavailable”.
Grace doesn’t have an issue with entering relationships and does so quickly — at the beginning, there’s no threat of closeness. However, a few months in, when more mature feelings arise, she starts focusing on the flaws and the flaws only, also thinking about what else is out there in the world and the FOMO overtakes. She becomes overly sensitive to any request of her partner, perceiving them as clingy or demanding. Those who freely give her love and attention quickly become overbearing and smothering. The partner gets bonus points if they challenge her and make her “work for it” as her underlying belief is that she must somehow earn love and approval.
Grace and the avoidants (kinda sounds like an indie band) have an underlying fear of being emotional and over-controlled as they learned to cut themselves off from their emotions and perceive them as irrational and dangerous. So, whenever Grace’s feelings get intense, she freaks out, since keeping her distance has failed and she must abort the mission. Which is not great, as she struggles with fears of failure and perfectionism, so she puts up defences even higher.
Grace is also an over-compensator and tends to take pride in her workaholism — avoidants oftentimes struggle with dependencies that vary from food abuse to frequent meaningless sex to more serious addictions, that act as a coping mechanism for managing their feelings. Discussions are not on the menu with Grace — she finds them a needless waste of time. As she usually feels she’ll be the one to blame for things going South, she avoids taking much responsibility.
Avoidant Lingo Dictionary:
“I really care for you.” -> she feels “Oh boy are you going to be disappointed.”
“I love you.” -> she feels “Something must be really wrong with you since you love me.”
“I want to spend more time together with you.” -> she feels “That’s it, I’m losing my freedom and they’re going to suffocate me.”
“You’re not jealous?” -> she feels “Jealous? I’m kinda relieved.”
“Can we talk about it?” -> she feels “Talking? I’m out ✌🏻 ”
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap
Or ✨the magic of confirmation bias✨.
Reading the traits above, it seems like Seans and Graces would never want to or manage to be together in the first place, right? Wrong. It’s in reality one of the most common toxic relationship dynamics, which is a sort of a self-perpetuating cycle of doom for the people involved. They are with each other precisely because they confirm each other’s preconceptions of what relationships are. It is also why they mostly stay away from those with a secure attachment (a totally subconscious and quite self-defeating decision), perceiving secures as the weather forecast to their Game of Thrones.
Anxious Seans choose people who have no way of giving them what they want & need in relationships, which actually means they never have to be vulnerable with their partner, let go of control or, God forbid, let themselves be truly seen. Avoidant Graces always feel smothered by the people they choose and have an excuse not to access their emotions, but to focus on the running laps around their feelings instead. Having their attachment triggered also makes them mistake their relational anxiety for excitement and ‘spark’, which adds to the allure of the perpetuated prescription of just how a relationship should feel.
The cycle is kept alive, though, because one partner chases until the other one starts reciprocating. Once that happens (which does not fit with the preconception of either one of them), the chaser starts running and becomes the chasee, and so the roles are swapped. And on and on it goes. As the highs of such relationships are very high, and the lows are miserable, they have a high hooking potential. Their main fuel? Insecure attachment and adrenaline.
These relationships might have the chance in succeeding, but require a lot of work & self-awareness on both ends, individually and together. Seans and Graces would need to find a way to communicate without triggering each other for as long as it takes to establish the relationship ground as a safe place and not a battlefield in which they have to keep their weapons of manipulation ready and emotional defences up. They would need to understand why they sometimes feel the way they do, and that most of the time it has nothing to do with the other person, but with their wounded inner child.
The Mythical Land of the Secure
Also known as the Unicorns 🦄… to me. They alledgedly comprise 60% of the population which is as baffling to me as AI Escargot, the hardest ever sudoku there is. They comprise the “silent majority” though — not because they’re not amongst us, but because their relationships are pretty steady and don’t rock the boat, hence there’s no meme material. So, I don’t call them the Unicorns because they are rare in general (they’re not), they’re just rare to hear about.
The Unicorn is generally comfortable with the togetherness and separateness that are an intrinsic part of relationships. Their connections in life, in general, are quite stable — be it family, friends, or romantic relationships. Most of the time, Unicorn’s relationships end because of simply growing apart or due to circumstances, and their finales do not resemble Downton Abbey — they’re usually drama-free, albeit painful. That is the reason why they do not hold grudges and can keep things friendly even after their relationships end.
The Unicorn approaches relationships with neither fear of abandonment nor terrified of feelings, and he or she can meet their partner halfway as they don’t see compromise as threatening to their self. Because they have a healthy trust in their partner, they believe the other person means them well and are willing to listen and to forgive a mistake. The Unicorn might also need space, but they will communicate their needs clearly and explain how long they’ll take. They are happy in a relationship but do not need it for their self-fulfilment or well-being, which helps them place and respect boundaries.
Sex with a Unicorn is emotionally intimate. They don’t need it as a form of validation or emotional release, nor do they need to create relational distance — they treat sex and intimacy as an intertwined shared experience of building closeness. That is why they’re able to surrender to the moment wholly and enjoy it body & mind. As it is an act of intimacy, the Unicorns do not enjoy no-strings-attached situations and have fewer casual sex experiences than those with an anxious or avoidant attachment.
We all come from different places. Each of us has our own unique personality, upbringing, and share of experiences that either help us or make it more difficult for us to build the relationships we want to have in life. But regardless of the cards that we have been dealt, the responsibility to go beyond our disfavouring patterns and work towards turning them into something more healthy and secure is ours.
Self-reflecting, conscious thinking and asking ourselves why can take us to great lengths when it comes to becoming better people. Learning how to identify what we feel and then finding a way to communicate that openly without blame or guilt. Taking accountability for our actions. Practising to resist our auto-pilot urges and reactions and choosing to react from a place of compassion instead. Accepting that we are responsible. Letting other people accept their responsibilities too. Exploring alternative, healthier coping strategies. And overcoming the fear of being authentically us, warts and all. At the end of the day, we are all in this because we have the same goal — vulnerable & intimate connection.
I have to point out — if at any point you recognized yourself in some of the sentences written down, it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong or right with you. It simply means there is a space for growth. Even if you’re a Unicorn*.
*(in which case I kindly ask that you reach out. k thx.)
